10 signs that you are experiencing the ‘Midlife Slide’

This week fashion guru Susannah Constantine revealed that she wears pants underneath her pyjamas in

This week fashion guru Susannah Constantine revealed that she wears pants underneath her pyjamas in bed and women all over the country threw up their hands and cried: “What?” Others, meanwhile, shrugged: “So what? If you think that’s strange you have clearly never met a woman on the Midlife Slide.”

A woman on the Midlife Slide has hung up her hold-ups for good, likely last had a manicure in 2019 before a godson’s wedding, prefers to spend her money on the garden/vet bills/roof rather than silky undies (the pants under the PJs will be M&S and suitably substantial) and is perfectly comfortable with letting things go a bit. 

She knows how to scrub up and put on a show, of course, but are these her everyday priorities? Not so much. If Susannah, 59, has entered that camp, there are plenty of us who know exactly where she is coming from.

Here are 10 signs that you are experiencing Midlife Slide – just in case you weren’t sure and have recently found yourself debating the point with your husband.

  1. You quite often finish your partner’s food because it is less effort than scraping the plate into the bin. Not so long ago you were anxious about gaining weight; now you are much more anxious about wasting buttery new potatoes in season.
  2. Leaving your roots to go grey. Lockdowns have a lot to answer for in this particular instance. Prior to the pandemic you got your roots done when absolutely necessary; now you have persuaded yourself that not rushing to sort out your grooming issues is in the spirit of Make Do and Mend, Stay Home to Save Lives, and all that.
  3. Holding off visiting the dentist, even though your front tooth has gone brown and you chipped one of the back ones on an olive stone about three months ago.
  4. Waxing. Really, what’s the point? You can wear a practical, long dress – if you’re not wearing trousers, which you mainly are – and no one is going to be sunbathing any time soon. (When that happens you can always cover up the worst offences with a towel.)
  5. Fat shaming yourself. As in grabbing a roll of tummy fat and shouting “Look! Look How fat I am!” to anyone who is interested.
  6. Deliberately cooking things that do not require cutting up and can therefore be spooned straight into your mouth while watching the TV.
  7. Wearing a lot in bed and (in direct contradiction of everything that the marital intimacy experts advise) turning that bed into a second office/den, including laptops, dogs, sweets, hand-held Dyson vacuum cleaners etc.
  8. Wearing heels for the wedding but taking trainers for the reception.
  9. Having a favourite item of clothing that does you absolutely no favours but you don’t care because it’s so comfy and still smells of Bobby the dog (sadly departed during lockdown).
  10. Graduating from decent undies to the biggest and comfiest – for daytime and bedtime. There just comes a time when the knickers you used to happily wear feel like tiny bits of bunting misplaced in your trousers.

If you don’t recognise yourself in any of these, then give yourself a big pat on the back – but stay vigilant.

Is it just me…

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